Yes children, I have returned from the beyond, and I have much wisdom to impart. What follows are some of the lessons I learned in California, travel to California, etc.

1.Fly Virgin America, they have these cool little entertainment centers at every seat that you can watch tv and order food and lots of other stuff with.

2.Edy's ice cream is called Dreyer's there, and Hardee's is called Carl Jr.'s.

3. Buy lots of Uncle John's bathroom readers for the driving.

4. Be camera master- it can save you from fatal bouts of boredom.

5. Most hotels do not have good channel selection there.

6. There are a lot of German, Japanese, and French families at the national parks especially. I'm cool with all the variety, especially when the hot French girls strip down to their underwear in public and go for a wade.

7. There are no Wendy's or KFC's, but there are tons of Jack in the Box's and Round Table's.

8. Go down Newport Avenue. You'll get a laugh from all the senior hippies, but don't breathe deeply.

9. Yosemite Lodge Cabins: creepy as hell.

10. Don't dip any cheap shoes in running water, they'll fall apart. Especially do not do this at Yosemite, where you will have to buy flips flops with cute bears on the top and pawprints on the bottom.

11. The weather is not nice like they say. It was always freezing or hot as hell there.

More to come, kids. In the meantime, enjoy this link to a grainy picture of the kickass Godzilla vs. The Smog Monster poster I bought: [link]